Trial By Giant Mud Pit
by stargate addict
Summary: Psychotic happy villagers. Screaming. Mud. The kissing thing... I mean, CPR. Will the team survive the horror? GEN


Trial by...Giant Mud Pit?

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by Stargate Addict

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"Trial by giant mud-pit. How wonderful," Rodney sniped sarcastically. He glowered at John. "Any other brilliant ideas, Colonel?"

"Uh," Sheppard said intelligently, attempting to dig his heels into the ground as the villagers pushed them closer to the huge vat of gooey muck. He turned his best 'we're-just-harmless-explorers' look on the chief, Barin, who was standing at the sidelines. "This really, really isn't necessary, you know."

Barin smiled genially. "You have not been proven strong, worthy. If you survive, you will be allowed to return to your teammates." His smile broadened. Ronon growled at the chief, straining against the ropes that bound both him and Teyla, preventing them from running to their teammates' aid.

"Wait, why are we unworthy and not Teyla and Ronon? Don't they need to be proven?" The careless comment made John hit Rodney in the side with his elbow, hard. The last thing they needed was to have Ronon and Teyla dragged into the pit along with them.

"Teyla's people have been our allies and friends for many years. Satedans, also, are renowned for their strength." He smiled again. It was quite creepy. Apparently Rodney thought the same thing, as he groaned dramatically.

"Oh my god. We're going to die. Why do we always get stuck on planets with psychotic villagers?"

"Relax. We're not going to die," Sheppard said soothingly. Well, he tried to be soothing. It was rather difficult, as he was being pushed closer and closer to the pit. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Teyla fruitlessly trying to convince the chief to let them go.

Rodney shot him a disbelieving look. "We're being pushed into a pit with god-knows-what in it, and all you can say is 'relax'? Suffocating is a very unpleasant way to go, Sheppard!" His voice grew progressively higher in volume, making John wince.

"Look – once you get pushed in, all you have to do is wallow your way over to the edge. End of story." Internally he doubted that, seeing as it looked too deep for comfort and was about twenty feet wide. "And stop screaming. I need that ear."

Rodney just had time to give him a look of loathing before he finally was shoved over the edge, falling with an unmanly yelp. For a split second he stood on the mud, arms flailing. Then, with a gross-sounding _squelch_, he sunk into it. He floundered in the substance, attempting to move sideways towards solid ground. Every inch made him sink deeper; soon, he was up to his neck, yet was no closer to getting out of the pit.

Behind John, a scuffle broke out. Apparently Ronon had cut himself free and was attacking his captors. From the sound of it, he managed to injure quite a few of them before being overwhelmed by sheer numbers. That, and the huge axes and scythes the villagers carried.

John turned back to the pit just in time to see McKay's red face disappear into the muck. Swearing, he considered his options. It didn't look like he was going to get any help, with Ronon and Teyla cut off. But maybe if he jumped, he could get closer to the edge and grab Rodney…

Taking a deep breath, he flung himself into the pit.

It was absolutely, unbelievably, disgusting. There were lumps of darker brown, denser stuff in it, along with various other questionable materials. John grimaced as he moved a hand through it, trying to grab ahold of Rodney. Moments passed, and he still hadn't found him. Sheppard could feel panic rising – McKay had been under much longer than was healthy, and John was sinking deeper. If he didn't hurry, he wouldn't be able to reach the edge. Finally his hand came into contact with an arm. He pulled and tried moving. He found he couldn't. The more he pulled Rodney out, the deeper he sank, and there was no way he would get out. The mud was oozing into his mouth, his eyes…

Just as he felt unconsciousness closing in, a strong hand gripped his, hauling him out of the pit. John just had the presence of mind to keep his hold on Rodney. When he finally caught his breath, he opened his eyes. Ronon.

"I owe you one, buddy," he muttered, rubbing the mud of his face. From the looks of it, Teyla and Ronon had managed to free themselves of the villagers. Teyla was holding a knife to Barin's throat, threatening to kill him if the natives came any closer. But Sheppard didn't pay any attention to them – he turned to his fallen teammate.

Who was currently not breathing. Swearing, he cleared the mud off Rodney's nose and mouth. He pushed Rodney's chest several times; when that didn't work, he leaned forward in trepidation. Sheppard took a breath, and then placed his mouth over Rodney's, forcing air into it.

John relentlessly kept repeating the CPR. It didn't seem to be working. He could feel Ronon's worried gaze drilling into his back. "C'mon, McKay, you stubborn bastard…"

As if on cue, Rodney rolled over, gasping. John grabbed his shoulder, steadying him. He glanced up, grinning like an idiot. To his surprise, the villagers were standing around the team in a circle. Teyla still held Barin.

Sheppard's elation evaporated as he stared coldly at him. "So. We survived."

Barin stonily stared back, earlier façade gone. "You were assisted. You would not have survived otherwise."

John snorted and struggled to his feet. "Whatever. You're going to let me and my team go through the Stargate, unharmed, or Ronon will shoot you." At his nod, Teyla stepped away from Barin, pushing him forward.

Ronon pointed his gun at the chief and bared his teeth maliciously. "This isn't on stun."

Teyla and Sheppard leaned down, helping a disoriented Rodney to his feet. "Wha – what happened…?"

"Later," John muttered to him, warily eyeing the villagers around him.

The walk to the Stargate was tense; the villagers silently trailed behind them. Rodney dialed, sending the IDC code to Atlantis. "We're clear to go."

Ronon watched Barin turn and walk away, twitching. "Can I shoot him?"

"Sorry, big guy."

"Why not?"

"Well, because…" John stopped, unable to give a good reason. Ronon smirked. "We'd have to fill out paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork. Plus, Elizabeth would be pissed. You know how diplomats are."

Ronon sighed.

-----

"Well," said Carson, turning to John and Rodney, "It looks like you lads aren't suffering any serious injuries." He looked down at his test results. "But maybe you should stay overnight for observation…"

Sheppard growled, irritated. Since getting back to Atlantis, they had been poked and examined by Carson. He was worried that bacteria from the mud would cause dangerous infections. John just wanted to go back to his quarters and soak in water. He _stank_, and was tired of hearing Rodney whine about all the mud. And the smell.

"Carson. We're fine," he gritted out. "Except for the small fact that I have _mud_ up my – "

Carson coughed, cutting off John before he could finish. "Well, maybe it would be fine for you to go back to your quarters."

"And? What about me?" Rodney demanded, squirming uncomfortably. Carson hesitated, and then nodded. Rodney let out a sigh of relief, and jumped off the bed, walking awkwardly. Apparently John wasn't the only one with mud in inappropriate places.

"But I'll be checking up with you both, just to make sure." John nodded and sped for the infirmary door. Maybe if he hurried, he could make it before anyone said anything…

"Especially you, Rodney. According to your team, you weren't breathing for a short period of time." John winced. Looking at Carson, he could swear his eyes were twinkling. Bastard.

"Wait… I stopped _breathing?!?_ Why has no one told me this?" Rodney looked both indignant and panicked. Then he caught the expression on John's face, and the indignation turned to horror. "Oh, you're kidding me."

Ronon grunted from his infirmary bed. "Sheppard did that kissing thing after he pulled you out."

John whirled around and glared at Ronon while Rodney gagged. "It's not a kissing thing! It's CPR. A perfectly acceptable medical procedure." Teyla, the traitor, looked like she was hiding a smile behind her hand.

"I can't believe that! That's, that's – " Seemingly unable to explain exactly what it was, Rodney furiously rubbed his mouth with his hand. He immediately looked disgusted, remembering that at the moment his hand wasn't the cleanest thing, either.

"Yeah, well, at least you were unconscious. You don't even remember anything," John muttered. "You didn't have to do the whole… mouth-to-mouth thing…" He shuddered.

"Ack! Stop! Besides, the mental image is more than enough, thank you." They exited the infirmary and walked to the nearest transporter.

"Tell you what. Next time, we make Lorne and his team go instead."

"Amen."

--Fin--

_Oh, hey! My firstest fic ever! Well, firstest completed fic. _;) _Thanks to StarSkimmer, my beta (and sister), for annoying me into posting this. _;) _Written for the 'When Plot Bunnies Attack' forum's Sentence Starters challenge; 'Trial by giant mud pit. How wonderful...' Reviews will make me very, very happy... well, at least I think they will... Tell me what you think! _:)_  
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